Have you ever really wanted something that you can’t have?
Whether it’s an item we want to possess or an activity we want to partake in – being unable to achieve what we desire can often leave us feeling frustrated (well, I know it certainly does me!). The second I get an idea in my mind of what I want, I’m determined to make it happen, no matter the cost. And whilst this can be an extremely useful trait to have, it can also be detrimental.
You see, we can’t always have what we want. Whether that’s due to financial limitations or, as in my case, poor health.
My declining physical and mental health has left me with no option but to defer my university studies for the next year. This wasn’t an easy decision for me to make, and I initially felt very reluctant to take this (rather extreme) step. More than anything, I want to be living life as a ‘normal’ twenty-year-old. I want to be out socialising, keeping active, studying for my degree, reading books that interest me, growing my blog and making things for my Etsy shop. But all of this is just not a possibility right now and I need to learn to accept that.
Unfortunately, however, this is not an easy thing to do.
At first, I struggled to accept that I was too unwell to be at university. Numerous people insisted I should defer my studies and yet I refused. I knew deep down that I wasn’t well but I couldn’t accept illness as a limitation. I had convinced myself that, despite feeling extremely ill, I could just continue ‘as normal’. Make no mistake, I felt absolutely miserable, but as long as I was semi-functioning I felt I had to keep going.
Even now that I have returned home, I am still trying to take on the world. Since I’m no longer studying, I am instead trying to fill my days with other productive activities (after all, not having any university work to complete is the perfect excuse to do everything else under the sun that I couldn’t do when I was focussing on my degree! 🙃). I will exhaust myself but as long as I don’t feel completely useless sitting around all day, everything is a-okay!
Ultimately though, whether I’m at university or at home, the fact remains: I AM ILL AND I NEED TO REST! I can’t keep pushing myself to do things that I am simply not capable of. It doesn’t mean I’ll never be able to do them, but my current situation means that my health must take absolute priority. University will always be there. I can get my degree at any age. My wardrobe can be cleared out when I’m a little better. For now, I just need to accept my limitations, and ensure that I’m looking after me.
Thanks for reading,